There Was a Young Lady Who Ate a Whole Pie
by Mortal Anonymous
Summary: Kermit goes reporting once more at Don Music's, and helps the anguished artist compose his latest hit. They never should've gotten rid of Don. He was awesome.


"And now, here's Kermit the Frog with another breaking news story!" informed the announcer's voice as the 'News Flash' insignia appeared.

Silence.

"I said, 'And now, here's Kermit the Frog with another breaking news story!'" the announcer tried a little louder, and the insignia flashed again.

A scuffling could be heard, and a miffed looking Kermit appeared, wearing his hat and trench coat.

"Gee guys, how 'bout tellin' me when we're gonna be rolling, huh? 'Aw, no, we don't need to tell the frog; he's only our news anchor!'" Kermit steamed sarcastically, "Ya kinda need a news person to tell the news, guys! The frog should be the first to know! I-"

The announcer cleared his throat loudly, causing Kermit to scrunch.

"Oh. Right. Sorry." Kermit whispered, and then straightened up. "Hi ho, Kermit the Frog here, reporting to you once again, live from the studio of Don Music, world famous composer." reported the frog as he walked toward a large black piano sporting a bust of Mozart. "Let's see what new chart-topper he's working on today."

Behind the piano, Don played and sang:

"_There was an old lady who swallowed a fly,_

_But I don't know why, she swallowed that fly…_

_Perhaps she'll die!"_

Suddenly he stopped and screamed, "Oh I'll never get this song, never EVER! Forgive me, Wolfie!" With that he slammed his head down on the piano keys, making Kermit cringe.

"Don!" Kermit exclaimed, "Don, what happened? It sounded like you had that one!"

Don looked up. "Oh, hello Froggie. You're late, did you know that?"

Kermit made a face. "Yes, well, about that, uh, the guys see.." he started, gesturing randomly, "Oh never mind! It's not important! Anyway. Don. What exactly is wrong with your song? It sounded just fine, it had good rhymes and everything.."

Don sighed.

"Yes, well," he grumbled, "the rhymes are all well and good, fly, why, die..oh b-but that's not the problem! The problem is that this ridiculous song doesn't make any sense! I mean who in their right mind goes around eating flies?!" he demanded.

Kermit gave him a look.

"Oh. Right, sorry Kermit." apologized Don, "B-but _people_ don't eat flies, and even if they did they wouldn't _die..!_ It makes no sense and I'll never finish it!" He slammed his head onto the piano again.

Kermit jumped and made a kind of empathetic whimper. "Uh, Don?" he asked, and Don looked at him, "Just change it." Kermit told him.

"Change it?" Don asked, incredulous.

Kermit nodded. "Y-yeah. Make it a food that someone might like to eat. Something tasty but that still rhymes."

Don looked elated. "I-it just might work! Oh! Wh-what rhymes with 'why', um.." he pondered, "Food, let's see..pancakes, fettuccini, carrots.."

"He-hey Don?" Kermit said again. Don looked. "This is real easy Don..pie."

Don looked blank. "Pie?"

Kermit nodded. "Yes, pie. It's tasty, it's food, it rhymes, and someone might eat a lot of it, especially Cookie Monster."

"Hm, yes.." Don considered, "Alright, I'll try it!"

"Oh good." smiled Kermit.

Don started playing the tune.

"_There was an old lady who ate a whole pie,_

_But as to why, she ate all that pie…_

_Know not shall I."_

he sang. "Oh! Oh yes, it works! Thank you Kermit!" he shouted.

"Well your welcome." Kermit replied, "Only, only old people don't usually eat much, do they? Or sweet things in general?"

Don paused. "Oh! Oh you're right! W-what'll I do?" he panicked.

"It's ok, calm down. This is a simple thing to fix. Just make it a young lady." Kermit advised.

"Young..?" Don said thoughtfully, "Oh yes! Young people eat all the time! Wonderful!"

"Uh, ok.." Kermit said indifferently, making another strange face.

"Now, what about the rest of the song?" Don asked excitedly, readying his fingers.

"Well I don't know, you're gonna have to play it first, Don." joked Kermit, and he gave a little laugh. Don pursed his lips at the frog before starting the song again:

"_There was a young lady who ate a whole pie,_

_But as to why she ate all that pie…_

_Know not shall I._

_There was a young lady who swallowed a spider,_

_That wriggled and jiggled and squiggled inside her…_

_She swallowed the spider to-"_

He paused. "_To_-uh.." he tried again. He pursed his lips again, then screamed in frustration, "Oh I'll never get it, never never NEVER!" He smacked his head onto the piano once more. Again Kermit jumped.

"Careful there Don, you'll give yourself a concussion!" he told the musician.

Rubbing his forehead, Don replied, "Yes, well, I-I'm very emotional about my music you know.."

"I know.." Kermit said, as if wishing he didn't, "Anyway Don, w-what's wrong with it now? Spiders taste almost as good as flies do."

"Oh?" Don asked interestedly, "Can't say I've ever tried-wait a minute that's not the point!" he huffed, pressing a few keys emotionally.

"Aw yeah?" inquired Kermit, "Well then what is?"

"People, don't, eat, spiders!" Don yelled, pounding keys with each word, "Especially not after they've just had a pie! That part is absurd!"

He panted himself into silence.

"What's the matter, you've usually told me what to do by now.." he observed.

"Well, a-are you done?" asked Kermit cautiously.

"Done?"

"Yes, done. Done with your little tantrum there."

Don perked up. "Oh, that, yes, well..I suppose so."

"Ok. Ok, good. Now then Don, tell me, how exactly did you write this song?"

"How did I _write it?"_ Don echoed, gaping, "Well I-I just, found a bunch of good rhymes and uh, just kind of, put them together." He finished with a sharp nod.

Kermit scrunched his lips. "Is that how you write all your songs?" he asked as if not wanting the answer.

"Mm, mostly, yes." Don nodded.

"No wonder." Kermit directed at the viewers. Don looked like he was going to ask for elaboration, but Kermit turned back to him and went on. "Now look Don, that's no way to write a song. It's fine if you're just being silly, but for a story? I think you should stick with food here. You are writing about a lady who eats a lot, right?"

"Yes.." Don answered uncertainly.

"Right, ok. Now," Kermit prompted, "what do people usually have after eating pie?"

"Oh, I don't know, a, beverage of some sort? Uh.." mumbled Don.

"Right!" Kermit encouraged, "You are correct! A beverage! You usually drink after having pie, now, _that_ can be your next verse. Here, play for me and I'll show ya."

"Um, alright." Agreed Don, and played the piano as Kermit started singing:

"_There was a young lady who drank a huge soda,_

_That fizzled and whizzled and spizzled inside-ah…_

_She drank the soda to wet the pie,_

_But as to why she ate all that pie…_

_Know not shall I."_

He finished and turned to Don. "There, ya see? Like that. The whole thing, about food."

Don looked enthralled. "Yes, yes, I've got it, Froggie!" he shouted happily, "By Jove, Wolfie, I've got it!" he added to the little Mozart bust.

Quite excited, he faced Kermit. "I think I've got something! Would you like me to play the whole set?" he practically begged.

"Uh, no, that's ok Don.." Kermit tried to decline.

"Wonderful!" Don beamed, "Hit it boys!"

Suddenly, Little Chrissy and the Alphabeats were surrounding Kermit and the piano. They immediately struck up a peppy tune, to which Don played along and began singing:

"_There was a young lady who ate a whole pie,_

("_Whole pie!" _sang the band.)

_But as to why she ate all that pie…_

_Know not shall I._

_There was a young lady who drank a huge soda,_

_That fizzled and whizzled and spizzled inside-ah…_

(_"Fizzled, whizzled, spi-hi-i-zzled!"_)

_She drank the soda to wet the pie,_

_But as to why she ate all that pie…_

_Know not shall I._

_There was a young lady who ate a whole course,_

_She ate so much you'd think her a horse,_

(_"A horse!"_)

_She ate the course to settle the soda_

_That fizzled and whizzled and spizzled inside-ah…_

_She drank the soda to wet the pie,_

_But as to why she ate all that pie…_

_Know not shall I._

(_"Don't know why she ate all that pie!_

"Yeah!" they all finished with.

Don was ecstatic, and proudly he yelled, "Yes! Oh yes! I've done it I've done it! Oh aren't you proud of me Wolfie?!"

He was cut short in his gushing to the little statue by a _very_ rotund purple woman with brown hair and a blue dress suddenly rolling into the studio. She rumbled to a halt in front of the piano.

"If you must know why I ate all of that, I'd just finished a three month diet of boiled cabbage!" she announced.

With this the studio erupted into laughter, music, and the usual Muppet chaos, over which Kermit struggled to broadcast, "Uh, ok, well, I-I guess this is the end of another Sesame Street News Flash. Here's Kermit the Frog, signing off from-_uwaaah!"_

He yelled and ran as the woman crashed and rolled through where he'd been standing.

"I need a new job!" Kermit shouted into the camera lens, and promptly fled the scene.

**A/N:** If you think about it, this _could_ be prelude to Kermit's Muppet Show MC job..


End file.
